Post by Mara Jade on Jan 23, 2011 23:14:51 GMT 1
This is a totally AU/OOC Fan Fic sorta inspired by "Utopia" by Within Temptation. Every piece of it has been written with Utopia running in the background, so I recommend listening to that while reading:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEIvlihb2Ms
Tianara sat at the edge of the Balcony, tears running down her cheeks – though no one could see them, thanks to the falling rain. Her hair, long now, was held together behind her back, and her newly cut bangs was plastered against her face.
The burning desire to live and roam free
If only it was possible. To be a Jedi and yet still live a real life. A life full of love, and friends, but still with her duty towards the Jedi Order. She had wanted it so much. So much. It had almost torn her apart. Maybe that was why Jedi were forbidden to love. But if she had just been allowed to, maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much?
It shines in the dark
And it grows within me
Her hand placed itself over her stomach. Protectively. The desire had grown inside of her. The desire had grown until she could no longer resist it. She had seen no other choice but to give in. And that desire had turned into life. Life inside of her, that had made her sparkle with life. People had made comments about how she had finally moved on and recovered from all the bad things that had happened. She had managed to keep it a secret. Even back when it was just beginning to show, she had been able to keep it a secret. She had made sure to wear her robe at all times. But of course Kian had guessed it. She had never been able to keep anything a secret from him. She wondered why he had never stopped her. Surely he must have known about her and Track. But he never scolded her. One day, he simply closed the door to her room, and asked her to remove her robe. She hadn’t had any choice. And without the robe, the bump had been painfully visible. From then on he had helped her use the force to hide the presence of the child
You’re holding my hand but you don't understand
No, he never understood. She was certain of that. Kian might have held her hand while she had cried. He might have comforted her everytime she felt her life falling apart. But in the end he could never understand how it felt to love someone so much and never be able to have them. To call them dear and show the world how much they meant to you. That was something you could only understand if you had felt it yourself. Most Jedi hadn’t.
So where I am going, you wont be in the end
That was another thing that was painfully clear to her. Neither Kian, nor Track could be there in the end. Kians because he would never, truly understand why she had turned her back on the Order. Only someone who had felt the love could understand that decision. And Track because he belonged in another world now. Track might have had something to do with this. But there was no use in destroying two lives. No one could ever look at Track and see that he had broken the code. She couldn’t hide the secret. He could. There was no point in them both suffering…
I’m dreaming in colors
Of getting the chance
Dreaming of trying the perfect romance
Every night she had the same dream. A dream in which she and Track could live together. Could raise their child as a Jedi, without fearing the wrath of the council. She so wanted it to be true. So wanted to feel how it was to have a family.
The search of the door, to open your mind
In search of the cure of mankind
She still hoped she might one day be able to convince the council that their way was wrong. That it did more damage than good. That too many people suffered because of it.
Help us, we're drowning
So closed up inside
She really felt like that. Like she had gotten in too deep, and couldn’t make it back to the shore. She hadn’t told Track where she went. Hadn’t even told him she took off. Hadn’t said goodbye. And she tried so hard to close herself off from the pain.
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia?
Why does it have to kill the idea of who we are?
Her Utopia was being washed away. By leaving Track she had destroyed all chances of ever getting that perfect life she so wanted. Her own, private Utopia. And the pouring rain just proved her point. She didn’t understand why loving someone made her less of a jedi
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia?
How will the lights die down, telling us who we are?
Why did every Jedi let some weird code tell them who they were? How they were supposed to be? What if someone…turned off that holocron? Started the teaching all over again. Who would they be then
I'm searching for answers, not given for free
If only she could find the simple answer to how to combine her two lives. Make them one, not two. She hadn’t wanted to give up on her jedi life. But she’d had to.
You're hurting inside, is there life within me?
A sudden, weak smile appeared on her face. There was life inside of her. But she -was- hurting inside. As was Track, she was sure. She so wished she could take away their pain. They should be happy now, not sad
You're holding my hand but you don't understand
There it was again. Lots of people holding her hand. Comforting her. Telling her everything would be all right. But things could never be all right. Not like this.
So you're taking the road all alone in the end
They both were. They were both taking the road all alone in the end. They could never be together
I'm dreaming in colors, no boundaries are there
At least in her dreams she could have her life. In dreams, there were no limits, no laws, no one who told you no.
I'm dreaming the dream, and I'll sing to share
In search of the door, to open your mind
In search of the cure of mankind
She wanted to shout it to the world. She loved a man. She was going to be a mum. And there was nothing wrong with it! Dammit, why were the jedi so stubborn??? She had wanted to stand on the top of the temple and let the galaxy know how wrong they were. One day….
Help us, we're drowning
So closed up inside
She wrapped her arms around herself, the tears running down her cheeks. Sometimes the pain was almost too much to bear. It felt like she was falling down a hole without end
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia
Why does it have to kill the idea of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain, down on utopia?
And when the lights die down, telling us who we are
This was supposed to be a happy time. Maybe even the happiest in her life. And she was supposed to share it with the father of her child. But all the rules and restrictions rained down on her future. Because of some rule that said she could never be a mum.
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia
Why does it have to kill the idea of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia
Why –did- it rain? Why didn’t anyone stand up against the council? Surely her and Track couldn’t be the first Jedi ever to feel like this. Surely, there had to be others? Why didn’t anyone speak up? Why did they all let the council dictate who they were? How they were supposed to be?
With a sigh, Tianara looked down at her stomach. Because they all felt like her. Because they were all afraid. No matter how embarrassing it was, it was the truth. No one had the courage to try to change things.
Tianara felt a sharp pain across her back, her eyes widening at the feeling. Ouch.
And when the lights die down, telling us who we are
Maybe she should try something else. Maybe she should be the one to tell others who she was. She looked throughtfully up at the sky, feeling the rain fall on her face. She sat there for a long time. Almost feeling at peace. And then, there it was again. That sharp pain. She closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths. And as she lifted her face towards the sky again, feeling the rain wash the teardrops from her face, she suddenly knew:
Why does it rain?
It rained so that her old life would be washed away. It was time to figure out, how her new one was going to be. One thing was for sure. She wouldn’t let others dictate her life anymore. And as the sharp pain released its grip on her, she slowly got up and left the balcony.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEIvlihb2Ms
Tianara sat at the edge of the Balcony, tears running down her cheeks – though no one could see them, thanks to the falling rain. Her hair, long now, was held together behind her back, and her newly cut bangs was plastered against her face.
The burning desire to live and roam free
If only it was possible. To be a Jedi and yet still live a real life. A life full of love, and friends, but still with her duty towards the Jedi Order. She had wanted it so much. So much. It had almost torn her apart. Maybe that was why Jedi were forbidden to love. But if she had just been allowed to, maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much?
It shines in the dark
And it grows within me
Her hand placed itself over her stomach. Protectively. The desire had grown inside of her. The desire had grown until she could no longer resist it. She had seen no other choice but to give in. And that desire had turned into life. Life inside of her, that had made her sparkle with life. People had made comments about how she had finally moved on and recovered from all the bad things that had happened. She had managed to keep it a secret. Even back when it was just beginning to show, she had been able to keep it a secret. She had made sure to wear her robe at all times. But of course Kian had guessed it. She had never been able to keep anything a secret from him. She wondered why he had never stopped her. Surely he must have known about her and Track. But he never scolded her. One day, he simply closed the door to her room, and asked her to remove her robe. She hadn’t had any choice. And without the robe, the bump had been painfully visible. From then on he had helped her use the force to hide the presence of the child
You’re holding my hand but you don't understand
No, he never understood. She was certain of that. Kian might have held her hand while she had cried. He might have comforted her everytime she felt her life falling apart. But in the end he could never understand how it felt to love someone so much and never be able to have them. To call them dear and show the world how much they meant to you. That was something you could only understand if you had felt it yourself. Most Jedi hadn’t.
So where I am going, you wont be in the end
That was another thing that was painfully clear to her. Neither Kian, nor Track could be there in the end. Kians because he would never, truly understand why she had turned her back on the Order. Only someone who had felt the love could understand that decision. And Track because he belonged in another world now. Track might have had something to do with this. But there was no use in destroying two lives. No one could ever look at Track and see that he had broken the code. She couldn’t hide the secret. He could. There was no point in them both suffering…
I’m dreaming in colors
Of getting the chance
Dreaming of trying the perfect romance
Every night she had the same dream. A dream in which she and Track could live together. Could raise their child as a Jedi, without fearing the wrath of the council. She so wanted it to be true. So wanted to feel how it was to have a family.
The search of the door, to open your mind
In search of the cure of mankind
She still hoped she might one day be able to convince the council that their way was wrong. That it did more damage than good. That too many people suffered because of it.
Help us, we're drowning
So closed up inside
She really felt like that. Like she had gotten in too deep, and couldn’t make it back to the shore. She hadn’t told Track where she went. Hadn’t even told him she took off. Hadn’t said goodbye. And she tried so hard to close herself off from the pain.
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia?
Why does it have to kill the idea of who we are?
Her Utopia was being washed away. By leaving Track she had destroyed all chances of ever getting that perfect life she so wanted. Her own, private Utopia. And the pouring rain just proved her point. She didn’t understand why loving someone made her less of a jedi
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia?
How will the lights die down, telling us who we are?
Why did every Jedi let some weird code tell them who they were? How they were supposed to be? What if someone…turned off that holocron? Started the teaching all over again. Who would they be then
I'm searching for answers, not given for free
If only she could find the simple answer to how to combine her two lives. Make them one, not two. She hadn’t wanted to give up on her jedi life. But she’d had to.
You're hurting inside, is there life within me?
A sudden, weak smile appeared on her face. There was life inside of her. But she -was- hurting inside. As was Track, she was sure. She so wished she could take away their pain. They should be happy now, not sad
You're holding my hand but you don't understand
There it was again. Lots of people holding her hand. Comforting her. Telling her everything would be all right. But things could never be all right. Not like this.
So you're taking the road all alone in the end
They both were. They were both taking the road all alone in the end. They could never be together
I'm dreaming in colors, no boundaries are there
At least in her dreams she could have her life. In dreams, there were no limits, no laws, no one who told you no.
I'm dreaming the dream, and I'll sing to share
In search of the door, to open your mind
In search of the cure of mankind
She wanted to shout it to the world. She loved a man. She was going to be a mum. And there was nothing wrong with it! Dammit, why were the jedi so stubborn??? She had wanted to stand on the top of the temple and let the galaxy know how wrong they were. One day….
Help us, we're drowning
So closed up inside
She wrapped her arms around herself, the tears running down her cheeks. Sometimes the pain was almost too much to bear. It felt like she was falling down a hole without end
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia
Why does it have to kill the idea of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain, down on utopia?
And when the lights die down, telling us who we are
This was supposed to be a happy time. Maybe even the happiest in her life. And she was supposed to share it with the father of her child. But all the rules and restrictions rained down on her future. Because of some rule that said she could never be a mum.
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia
Why does it have to kill the idea of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on utopia
Why –did- it rain? Why didn’t anyone stand up against the council? Surely her and Track couldn’t be the first Jedi ever to feel like this. Surely, there had to be others? Why didn’t anyone speak up? Why did they all let the council dictate who they were? How they were supposed to be?
With a sigh, Tianara looked down at her stomach. Because they all felt like her. Because they were all afraid. No matter how embarrassing it was, it was the truth. No one had the courage to try to change things.
Tianara felt a sharp pain across her back, her eyes widening at the feeling. Ouch.
And when the lights die down, telling us who we are
Maybe she should try something else. Maybe she should be the one to tell others who she was. She looked throughtfully up at the sky, feeling the rain fall on her face. She sat there for a long time. Almost feeling at peace. And then, there it was again. That sharp pain. She closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths. And as she lifted her face towards the sky again, feeling the rain wash the teardrops from her face, she suddenly knew:
Why does it rain?
It rained so that her old life would be washed away. It was time to figure out, how her new one was going to be. One thing was for sure. She wouldn’t let others dictate her life anymore. And as the sharp pain released its grip on her, she slowly got up and left the balcony.